I was fixated on having another baby…

Hey lovelies! I haven’t blogged for a long time again, it got closer to Delilah’s birthday and I just didn’t know what to type up. I’ve also been going through a period where I was fixated that I wanted another baby and I wanted it now. I was doing everything to convince Gareth even though I knew we aren’t ready yet. Not just mentally but physically and financially too. I didn’t want to post another sad post related to loss again just yet and I don’t really think this will be sad, more like an informative post. I’m hoping it will slide by other loss parents and maybe they’ll tell me they feel the same or maybe realise that this is completely normal. I mean, the world of baby loss/child loss is far from normal, but maybe this will help gravitate a few people who feel like they are floating away.

So, I previously wrote a post about what we need to do before having another baby. Every day I would say to myself “not yet, you aren’t ready” and a voice would shout back “you’ll never be ready just go for it”. I also got insanely scared that Gareth actually didn’t want another baby and he keeps saying not yet hoping I’ll shortly hit my menopause at the ripe age of 22 making it impossible for us to have more children. With this being in my mind I became fixated with the idea of let’s have another baby.

I was showing Gareth prams, asking Kiah if she wants mommy and daddy to have another baby, pressuring myself to try and hit targets so we’d be ready for baring and (hopefully) bringing home another baby. I became obsessed and it became a problem. I knew we weren’t there mentally, physically or financially. I knew we’d struggle and that’s not something I want. I just couldn’t shake the feeling. I think I was born to be a mom. That probably sounds ridiculous but my life revolves around my little family. With this idea of my motherly destiny in my head, I had to think about what was right and get off the crazy baby train.

I have decided that my body isn’t ready yet, Gareth needs to go back to work and with the next pregnancy going to be anxiety and appointment filled I need to pass my driving test to get to all of my appointments and emergency hospital trips. I gave myself the talk. I now realise that we have to achieve everything that was discussed in my previous post and maybe in 2020 we can think about trying for a baby.

I was so worried that this was abnormal, obsessing so much even though I know we might not even bring a baby home. I took to Instagram, to the baby loss community, and asked them if they had ever been through this – a lot of people responded yes. I felt like a, weight had been lifted hearing how many other loss parents felt the way I did at some point or another.

I have now realised that no matter how you feel, someone else is feeling it too. I felt so silly before, with such an idea swirling on my head, now I know I’m just another loss mom with extra love she needs to share.

Thanks for reading! Xx

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