My decision to go back to work…

Hey lovelies! It’s been a long while since I wrote a blog post and I apologise for that. Recently we’ve been so busy trying to piece together our new normal that I haven’t blogged. However, today I felt like I needed to talk about a subject that’s been a big part of my life recently – the decision to go back to work. A very hard decision but still one I’ve had to think about a lot.

I am a worker, I always have been. It keeps me grounded and allows me to be a person. I absolutely loved spending time with Kiah after she was born but I needed that adult time, that me time. Obviously having Delilah was a lot different. I wasn’t exhausted because I had to get up through the night and breastfeed, I was exhausted because I’d stay up all night pining for my baby to just miraculously be in my arms, alive, crying, wanting to be fed. I didn’t want to face the world, didn’t want to find a job. I lost motivation for everything but you know what? That’s OK. I lost my daughter! I didn’t need to be motivated and happy constantly.

Because I didn’t have a job to go back to I could take my time to find what I wanted to do. Overall I want a solid career, something I would have to go to uni for – that’s all I knew. But in the meantime I wanted a job that would allow me to pay for my a levels and pay my bills. I sat and researched (when I had the motivation). You see, I’m not lazy, I’d never not work because it’s “easier” – I can assure you, its not, living off of benefits is impossible for us. Gareth had to quit his job as his boss was so unsympathetic to our “situation”. He didn’t appreciate that Gareth would need mental health days or wasn’t feeling his best. I told him to quit as I could see the life draining from him, and he did. We in fact have a most valid reason to take time from work.

I looked into admin work, something I have already done, but it wasn’t impressing me. I looked into apprenticeships but nothing was taking my fancy. I’ve always looked at caring and I decided to go for it. I applied for a few places and was granted a job in February. Sadly it just wasn’t the right time for me. I was pushing myself too much and I shouldn’t have. After a couple more months I decided to look into caring again. I applied at a few places and got interviews and snatched up two jobs! A huge wave of motivation and belief in myself washed over me. Currently I haven’t started a job yet because I am waiting for documents to come back to me but I know I am ready to jump back into work life!

The whole reason I have decided to go back to work is for Delilah’s sake. Whenever I face a challenge I tell myself “do it for Delilah” and I do. I manage to get through the challenge! Working was one thing I told myself to do for Delilah and because of her motivating me so much it’s creating a better life for Kiah too. My daughters are my world and I’ll do anything for them. Kiah needs a mom that can show her that no matter how many falls you have you can manage to get back up.

If there are any parents that have lost a baby or a child, no matter at what stage of their lives, remember to take time for you. You are important. You will find happiness through your child because they are the reason you are still going. Make them proud, they are watching you always. But please, take your time!

Thanks for reading! Xx

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