*trigger warning – baby loss*
Hey lovelies. I know, I haven’t blogged in a long, long time. There is a reason behind it. I decided not to do Blogmas as I was too drained from pregnancy. I wanted to take December off blogging. I wanted to enjoy December with Kiah, Gareth and carrying our baby girl. Up until the 26th December we were achieving enjoying our Christmas period. And then December 26th arrived…
It started out a good day, we tidied, played with Kiah’s new toys and relaxed. We decided to go to my moms for boxing day tea. On the 24th December we had been to my moms and on the way home I had bad pains, I honestly thought that they were braxton hicks. I got home on Christmas eve and couldn’t get off of the toilet, I was in so much pain. I look back now and know I should have called an ambulance. But, in my head, I was having braxton hicks and they were completely normal.
When we were at my moms, having tea, I felt Delilah kicking and moving. That was the last time I felt her. We watched Peaky Blinders until about 1am and decided to go to bed. I then realised that I hadn’t felt Delilah move since about 6pm. I tried everything, wiggling my belly, drinking a cold drink, even having a bath. I knew something had gone wrong. “I need to go to the hospital.” I told Gareth. He assured me everything was fine but to go anyway. He stayed home with Kiah as it was now 3am and freezing cold and we didn’t want to drag her outside. I got to the hospital where a lovely midwife checked for the heartbeat, she couldn’t find it. “Some times this happens, I’ll just get another midwife to check.” My heart started to sink but all I could think was She’ll be fine, this doesn’t happen to people like us.
The second midwife came in, she checked and she couldn’t find the heartbeat either.” If the placenta is anterior it may be hard to find, we are going to take you for a scan.” At this point I started to panic but I held back the tears because this doesn’t happen to people like us. They wheeled me to the other end of the hospital where I lay in a room waiting to be scanned. The machine was turned on and away they went searching for my baby girls heartbeat. “She has no heartbeat.” My world stopped, I froze. The next thing I remember was screaming and crying. They were wrong. I couldn’t breathe and I needed Gareth.
I dialed his number on my phone, trying to steady myself, how was I supposed to tell him that I failed? He picked up. “Theres no heartbeat Gareth. Our baby girl is dead.” For anyone that knows Gareth, they will know he is the strongest man. He can deal with everything and he keeps me strong. Well, that strong man? I heard him break on the other end of the phone. “What?” He was barely keeping his voice together. He took Kiah to my moms and came straight to the hospital.
I just hugged him and we both cried. I apologised over and over. I knew immediately that I wanted to have another baby. Not to replace Delilah, never to replace Delilah, but because we deserved another baby and I just wanted another baby. We conversed with midwives and the Bereavement midwife, everything we were feeling was normal. I wasn’t selfish for wanting another baby.
I remember walking into the bathroom and just seeing my huge bump. My bump that was supposed to keep Delilah safe. I felt like such a failure, like I was useless. You had one job, to protect your daughter, you couldn’t even do that! I felt awful. That day passed by slowly. I had blood tests and a tablet that was the start of my induction. Kiah stayed at my moms house for around 5 days.
At 3am we had been told that our little girls heart had stopped beating and that same day I decided to go home. The next day was filled of crying. On the 29th December we had to go back into the hospital. Today we would deliver Delilah.
My decision to deliver Delilah was strict on my side, “this delivery needs to be as normal as possible. I want to feel as much as possible.” I did. I had 3 doses of diamorphine and gas and air with very strong contractions. That was just how I wanted it. I also wanted to have a positive day, there was no way I was allowing my baby to come into this world in a depressing manner, we were all so depressed inside already. This would be the most special day.
Delilah was born at 8:47pm 29th December, weighing a huge 4lb 11oz. She had died at 32 weeks 2 days and was born at 32 weeks 4 days. Her weight was amazing, she looked just like her big sister, she was the most perfect little girl ever. Her hair was dark and wavy, and her skin was perfect. My heart was so full yet so broken. We dressed her in a pink sleepsuit, a pink cardigan, a white crocheted hat and wrapped in a pink blanket. We couldn’t stop looking at her.
I stayed at the hospital until New Years Eve before we went home and collected Kiah. Delilah had a few visitors to show her so much love. I lived those few days to show her off. Leaving Delilah at the hospital was heartbreaking and I didn’t want to leave but unfortunately one day I would have had to. We stayed at home, I didn’t want to leave the house.
Delilah was sent for a full post mortem and as of yet we have not had any results. We don’t know if it was a genetic disease, something that my body caused or whether it is just a load of shit luck. Either way, we will hopefully get some answers.
I wanted to share my story because it helps me to talk about Delilah and her birth and how perfect it was. I hope that by sharing my story I can reach out to others and help them!
Thank you for reading. Please share my story with others, just to let them know that I am here for them. Xx